Saying Goodbyes

I have always found saying goodbyes very awkward. I am sure many people do.
Goodbyes put me on edge. I hate them.

When I was younger, I stood firm against my belief that you should never say goodbye, and most certainly promise to 'see you later'.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends'

Richard Bach.



I never did teary goodbyes, I whole heartedly believed that it wasn't necessary. Bach's words made sense.
I was so positive, sure and confident about this.

Today there were some serious goodbyes in quick succession. And it made me think, that goodbyes are much more difficult now. I have been lucky to make many friends over the years, and fortunately all worth their weight in gold. But I have also been unlucky in that some of these friends have slipped away from me.

I wonder, as I have got older, I am more realistic about relationships, and what to expect. In some ways, this is better, because I am no longer living in some sort of perfect world, but in another way it makes me sad. To realise that some people come and go, never to cross your path again. That hurts.

Goodbyes mean more to me now and I find it more difficult to let go.

Today was a sad day, because I let go of a few good ones..... but I will always have the memories.

Professional Avoider of Confrontation

Today, I tackled my issues, quite successfully...by running around the office with them echoing behind me....

First triumph.....escaping the noise escaping I'll Have One, who used the express lane to self serve the party snacks on the share table in record breaking speeds. I have raged about this before but it comes up most days......she will enter the office with food on the brain....she even sings her own mantra...

'food food,

time for food,

food food,

i need some food'.

(Repeat x 4/5)

This continues until she has managed to march to the kitchen to get her lunch box (hamper size).

Today she munched on the crisps like a bunny rabbit chowing a carrot. Sometimes, I almost want to vomit at her desperate hunt for food. Her lips and mouth move so fast, I am fixated. More recently this fixation is spawn out of disgust....it used to be in amazement at her oblivion.

It is like she is in her own race to finish the biscuit barrel, or office left overs. Chomp chomp chomp, faster faster....I am possibly more weird for finding this so trippy.....possibly a little over sensitive....but I am faced with it for 8 hours of the day..... Today, I could take it no more. I left the room in haste and sat silently in the kitchen, my safe haven. I didn't fix the problem long term, but in the short it made me feel a lot better.

Second Triumph..........for once, I had been relieved of my duties as Team Taxi. Most days after work I am taxi for three. 1/3 does not live on my route home, so, invariably, whilst all my colleagues are chilled out at home, I am still stuck in traffic trying to get home to make the most of what is left of the evening. I don't even know how the lifts got started...now they don't even ask if it is ok and simply wait at my car....today, 2/3 had the day off and I wished for once I could drive the scenic beach route home (quicker for me). So I thought, why not?.....I will just leave, and make sure that I do this, why shouldn't I? I will just tell 3rd passenger that I cannot drop her home tonight, simple......... so simple, that when I walked into my office and saw said passenger stood at my desk........i spun on my heels and ran back to my safe haven. I stayed there long enough for her to become bored and resign to come back later....I took this opportunity to sneak out the door whilst she was unaware.....avoidance, short term solution, long term ignorance.

Tomorrow, I hope to grow some balls.

Brown Nosing

 Is it wrong to hug your boss?

Today, someone tugged at my heart strings and I wanted to give them a massive hug, head to breast stylie.
I have been known to do this on occasion which is bizarre, as I am the least tactile person in the world....however, when the chord rocks deep, its like my emotions go into protective overdrive and a grip like hug is busting to get out.

I recall on New Years. A friend of mine ( AKA Love of My Life), was totally over whelmed by the fact that she was in love with someone so much that it made her want to cry. This jolted my emotions into overload..... 1/ because I am totally in love with her and I had to hide the pain of the punch & 2/ My friend confiding in me like I had never experienced before, breaking new boundaries. Despite my drunken haze, my mind in rapid response realised that I had to snap out of this crush I had and treasure the friendship which we had found. And in that moment, I made for the head to breast hug.........

The head to breast hug was very right at the time, and so I am told....very comforting. I rarely hug, but when I feel the urge, it is quite a pull and I totally mean it from the bottom of my heart.

So today, I had The Urge.

My job, can be crazy at times, and on occasion you can catch sight of someone who has just about had all they can take. Usual symptoms present as glazed, colourless eyes, heavy slow footing, and a hunched, shrunken posture, possible set when the wind changed.

Today, this person was my boss. She fumbled by me in the corridor and I could sense her angst so acutely that I wanted to hug the troubles away.

I wanted to perform the head to breast hug manoeuvre.

My instinct was to place my hand on her shoulder...had I been less reserved (whether appropriate or not) I would have gone for it. Instead I left it with the hand on the shoulder and a mumble of some delicate words. A small flicker of comfort flash flooded the face before normal service resumed.

It broke my heart that someone could feel that troubled, and I just wanted to hug it all away for a minute. I felt bad that I wasn't able to find some way of communicating an equal amount of warmth without using such physical contact. I racked my brain for anything else which I could do to help = Zero.

Is it appropriate to hug my boss so full on? perhaps with a slight adjustment on the head to breast...maybe head to crook of the neck/shoulder.......???????

PuRE rANt

I haven't blogged in yonks....mainly because I have been busy at work.....and where has that got me?????? nowhere very quickly....so this is my rant. For stupid legal reason I can't give much away about my job title, and need concrete anonymity, but you maybe able to take a point from my ramble.......or maybe not!!!!!

I work in a front line service for the Government......which seems to mean, that despite the amount of effort I put into doing my bit for humanity, I am always in line for a good ol' ambush every so often!!!

Now I am all up for confrontation......my life experience made me this way! However, what angers me most is that the confrontation is never even. I am never allowed to answer back, and those that tend to lead the ambush are only too aware of this.

Firstly, there is the demand from the leader not to make assumptions.....who then seeks to criticise my practice using just that. The assumption that I have no idea what they are experiencing. On a personal level, that have no fucking knowledge of my life and what I have experienced and nor do they have a right to know. What they didn't know is that I new very well what they are going through, but I used my experience to change my life in a different way.

Secondly, I didn't appreciate the assumption, widely promoted by press about my profession, which is hideously over publicised when a mistake is made. Yet, when I look at the team around me, there is not one person that you can accuse of being in the job for any other reason aside from a being committed to helping others, protecting the vulnerable and putting other lives excruciatingly first before their own. Mistakes are made in any profession, but there is not one tabloid story I can think of which rewards the good work that is achieved. And it isn't expected. Yet we carry on.

A profession where 'burn out' is acknowledged as something which we all have to go through. No matter what the people on the receiving end of our service feel, I can't stress enough that WE DON'T STOP. When I wake up, I think of what I need to do, when I drive to work I think of how I am going to achieve it, when i get to work, I battle my way to the target, and on the way home, I bash myself up about how I didn't get time to do that extra thing. It never stops, it is never enough, however much we put in, people want more.....when I eat dinner, I talk the worries through with my partner and when I am in bed, I think of how I can improve on the next time.

I am not alone in this. This is what is expected from both the Government and from the public. Perhaps if we went on strike like some professionals, we would actually be noticed.

How can it be OK, for me to enter a public area, to be verbally and physically attacked? this is acceptable? This is so acceptable that we are expected by both the public and the authorities to swallow our fears and return the following week to finish what we started before we were rudely interrupted by a kick in the teeth.

I have worked hard both personally and professionally for many years, I have gone through gruelling tiers of training like you wouldn't believe and I will always accept an unfair fight. To me, in the face of that above.....the fight is actually weighted in my direction because of their ignorance.

Game on.....

Quantum Hop Skip Jump

A sequence of events this week made me stop and bark the usual at myself...... if only I hadn't done that......

case 1: time sheet filled incorrectly, paid, incorrectly. If only I hadn't rushed to put that through.......I wouldn't be looking so incompetent and chasing in wanderlust.
case 2: texted the 'love of my life' on a whim, when I only 7 hours before I had vowed to do anything in my power to move on..... now once again, looking incompetent (at deleting my obsession) and most certainly more chasing in wonderlust.
case 3: agreed with the 'love of my life' to go on a trip of a life time (what the fuck hell?), further evidence of incompetence at living my own life and making my own decisions, and further proof that I plan on continuing my impossible chase in wanderlust.........

The problem is she is wonderlush...... but that is besides the point.....

I have spent many hours trying to fight these thoughts, trying to force my mind to think about what I want to do, make plans that are mine and not someone elses dreams for a change..... I'd manage......

dream #1: live in Barcelona
dream #2: take beautiful photo's of the world
dream #3.... mind drifted and didn't quite get there.....

It got me thinking....where would I be now if I had made different decisions somewhere along my way.....

What if I had taken that job in Germany last year? I would have lost touch with the love of my life for sure....I would possibly be speaking another language and dating Europe......
What if I had signed up for that course last year? Would I have had my own business by now?

Then I turned to the second coming for answers.....Google, The Messiah.......

I hopped skipped and jumped Google stepping stones, and teetered on Quantum Jumping........

'Every decision you make in life causes a split in reality' (http://www.quantumjumping.com/) - Wow....Crazy to think there is another couple of Me's out there living in parallel. I wonder if they have the same hair style? mmm.... do they eat pie for breakfast? mmmmm how exciting..... so last night ....i went to bed dreaming.......of all the lives I lead......

Quantum Jumping.........slated on lots of forums, but put me on a different planet for a few hours....made me happy............Is this stuff all fluff????? I googled on for hours...........

So today, I could have gone to the gym and the shops......instead I went to the book shop and picked up fish and chips for dinner on the way home....... could offer v.different paths..... if I had stuck with the gym option, I could, improve my chances with the love of my life, the abs effect....... instead.....the chips won......and also, possibly my path to freedom...... the first thing in a while that I haven't done with the chosen one in mind......... result :)

Happy Saturday



Successful Consciousness

Today I lack motivation.

So I googled my problem.

And came up with this....

http://www.successconsciousness.com/lack-motivation-enthusiasm.htm

Problem solved........

ha, right...........I'm still lazing in bed with my second cuppa.....

Happy Saturday......

Where am I?

It is Sunday morning and I feel like I have arrived on a different planet.

This is mainly because it is not yet afternoon, nor am I in pain from a typical Saturday night work out !!!!

So this morning I am going to treat myself as a reward for my best behaviour...to a chicken and mushroom pie for breakfast.......(least my eating habits remain the same for a Sunday morning!!!).

I Hate Mush

I hate mush and I am not fan of writing about my mush (now is probably the time to clarify that by mush I actually mean love, gooeyness, cheese laden ode's!!!!!)....BUT....... given that the aforementioned appears to have taken over my world today, it is a little hard to ignore....and if I have to put up with this weapon of mass destruction, then so does everybody else!!!!!

Given that it is almost Valentines Day....my heart is busting. I don't usually go in for February 14th, but this year I am totally in love/broken hearted and this is simply stoking my blaze which I have been totally trying to beat down since new year.....(out with the old.......)........

.....so this is really not helpful....but its here, its happening like a relapse.........it is almost unbearable.....and I just have to ride this one out.

Today....the love was there, so much so it made my day fucking miserable....because absolutely nothing else compared to my life when my dream lover was here. It didn't help that my day at work was grey and overcast, boredom kicking in by 11am......coffee and red bull not making any difference to my experience.....
everyone pissed me off and not once did I feel bad about the daydreams I was having where I was telling them all to fuck off and leave me alone..........

When all you need is space, why does it seem like the time when everyone else wants a piece of you?????.....Persistent was extraordinary today.....wanting to entertain me with her ever so delightful high pitched voice, whilst she quizzed me about my weekend like a discerning mother would. Seriously, my mother wouldn't dream of asking me half the things Persistent throws at me.

This evening, I'm listening to sad 'good bye' songs (Katie Melua (??????) ...Piece by Piece....just one example....I'm even more embarrassed to share the rest...) and thinking why the fuck I have wasted my time loving someone who can never love me back.........tttshhh.........

Now its almost bedtime and I am back in love again..........and I just want to enjoy the moment as I drift off to sleep..............Mush!

Thursday

Thursday......I have never been able to get my head around Thursday. I'm torn with the excitement of actually being able to see the end of the week and the pain of knowing that there is still one more sleep.......

Thursday was made extra painful by the company I kept. When I say kept....fact is, I didn't want to keep this company at all, it was forced upon me. Do you ever experience those people who just keep talking? whether you are listening or not?? I have a new colleague, who does just this. He means no harm, but fact is, he doesn't really give a damned whether you are paying any attention. He is so excited about telling his story he forgets to swallow...creating a gradual build up of bubbles at the corners of his mouth........which is hard not to look at when you are not listening to what is coming out of said mouth, but use your body language to make out you are.........

The Clearing

Today, something over took my day.

Sound.

I was unsure if today, I was particularly more sensitive to sound, or if today, noises were particularly loud.

First, it was Persistent. Tapping ever so fucking loudly on her special Persistent keyboard. It was like she was persistently beating the living hell out of it. Punch Punch Punch.....I wanted to get up and go pour my coffee in her lap.....I felt like being more violent, but my evil thoughts put me to shame, so for now I will just confess to wanting to pour coffee on her cacks.....tomorrow..maybe different....

Next up was Persistent, once again.....persistently pissing me off. This time it was her voice........a shrill down the speaker phone at her first caller of the day. Ever so loud and ever so hyper manic. This time I had a digestive in my hand, and I wanted to spin this sugar goodness like a Frisbee to wham width ways into her mouth..... I controlled the urge by finding a focus. It was the corner of my computer screen, the little red cross at the top right of the web page. I stared and stared until silence broke my gaze. It was like meditation.........it worked......for a while.....

Finally, I'll Have One was triumphant once again in pushing new limits of the Grand Prick (me off) race. It was only mid morning when noise from the beast began to rumble. I felt so lucky that I was caged with this for the rest of the day!

It was a noise I usually associate with snotty children, joyously playing outside, sniffing and spluttering whilst they are whizzing around. Only, I'll Have One hasn't been whizzing around at all. She's been snuffling super noodles for breakfast and obsessively prowling by the biscuit tin....I swear she has worn a path in the carpet surrounding the biscuit barrel.........up and down up and down...sneaky glance left to right..check she is in the clear......then makes for the grab......usually a fistful.......

......anyway....back to the noise...like a whizzing child, a sniffing, snorting noise, scraped from the back of the throat as I'll Have One inhales like a bloke. Initial airplay strikes me like an air raid siren.....Scraping finger nails down a black board would sing like a choir compared to this....

....I shudder, focus on the red cross for a minute, and then get back to the task in hand......

20 mins later........sniffle snort is back, intermittently it proceeds until 5pm......intermittently I pace the perimeter of the office avoiding the control room and risk of sending the crew into orbit.... The sound was chilling, and seemed such a figure in my life today that I will name this sound The Clearing (sounds a bit like a horror movie...... I'm bloody sure that noise will feature in my sweet dreams tonight....).

My whole experience today made me question......am I totally mad???? am I tragically over sensitive??? My mind removed itself from daily living and searched for some clues as to why my brain was thinking this way...I am pretty sure I do not feel this everyday, is there a pattern??? does something trigger the sensitivity? is there some medical or psychological explanation. I even googled it up..........

One result =

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf18867-0-45.html&sid=d57a8d6aaa8d86499f91de4425e0da5c


... which only helped to stimulate early potential for paranoia/hypochondria........

So, I am keeping a log to help answer the following:

'Am I barking mad? or are my colleagues just fucking annoying?'

That Friday Feeling

Oh my days.

Today, everyone in the orifice forgot their Friday feeling.

I arrived singing, pleased for the finale........... to be greeted with hells playground.

Colleagues moaning, colleagues making endless coffee's, chatting in the kitchen, then moaning some more about how they might lose their jobs....'how about you actually spend time doing your job and then you may stand a chance of keeping it?????????'

Talking of spending more time doing your job......I'll Have One (please see first blog for context), has been on a diet for as long as I can remember. I'll Have One spends most of her day eating (as opposed to doing what she is paid for) and then wonders why she hasn't lost any weight.

This morning when I arrived and I'll Have One was eating. Not a crime in itself but definitely very offensive in this instance.

First it was the fist full of biscuits, just to dip in the first coffee. Then it was the Super Noodles.....ate with a bib.....like she was in a restaurant eating din dins.....then it was a packet of Wotsits......as fast as lightening. I think she caught me looking, because she mumbled something along the lines of 'ooooh I must stop eating' as she grabbed for a clementine, and another two biccy's.....

The afternoon took the sails outta my crunchie Friday feeling. Seriously. I felt worn down, everyone is so depressed....not even a custard cream could lift the mood.

I came out feeling so drained. I wanted to slit my wrists.

Tonight I am having a beer to compensate, and I am sat watching some really dumb TV show where a guy meets a girl. It's a load of toss! Where are the good old comedy shows on a Friday night? I hate game shows, its all so cheesy fake....

Coincidentally, I am texting two people who are trying to date me. I am trying to ignore them but they are persistent (in a very different way to Persistent!!!). I need to learn to tell people to back off......

Coincidence #2....today at work I was told I am too nice........This made me angry and I am half tempted to take this out on these guys that are persistently pissing me off.

So, I made a decision to be less nice today just to see how it pans out......I will update with the consequences.....

Happy Friday. x

Back To School

Monday Monday Monday

Give me strength.......Today was an utter bore.

Following a weekend of utter self indulging, work was the last thing my body was expecting this morning.

5am Sunday morning, I crawled into bed......... after my mind battled with thoughts to just stay up...in utter defiance of accepting Sunday (moody Monday prequel).

I had a fabulous Sunday nevertheless. I woke up relatively early, chatted to the Angel That Broke My Heart, and popped out for a spot of family fun.

Sunday night movie fest managed to distract from the moody Monday feeling that was creeping in, only to be discharged 7am like a tide of sewage...

Stupidly, I watched a sappy movie and ended the evening text sobbing to my best mate about how I have managed to get myself hooked onto such an impossible love.......... fool........

Monday morning started with a nightmare. Literally. I woke up in a pool of sweat and fear, convinced that there was a ghost of an old lady standing in my bedroom. Happy Monday!!!

Monday morning raged on with equal audacity, my weekly grilling from Persistent (Guest star in my previous blog entry!) about my whereabouts Friday just gone and my distgusting antics over the past few days....

This was all superceeded by a united email from the gods about company changes...redundancys and restructures......

The office by this point was up in arms and it was a fantastic opportunity to have a good ol' gas bag session without anyone really giving a toss. I drank coffee and ate biscuits and extracted way to many thoughts from the lose lipped........how so and so is most likely to get the boot and why. It was amazing how quick the knives came out........

....whatever, it kept people occupied....and so, I mingled in and around the office, avoiding Persistent like she had measles.

During this time, I had plenty of opportunity to think about my life and what I wanted to do with it, and it was obvious that I needed some massive changes myself, a new life, a new job. I dream of ideas that would work, that would make me a success, but they never come to anything. I lose motivation after I have written them down.......

Most of my current ideas/dreams/plans in some way link to the love of my life, so I seriously have to sit down and have a good look at what I am proposing......but all the same, it makes me excited.

I looked around the office, surrounded by the solemn and I think, how on earth are you happy with what you have? don't you want more?

I hear the same stories of getting married, getting a mortgage and mundane routine, meandered through in robot fashion. Am I a little harsh? I just want to have fun and life experience. I want stories to tell and dreams to evolve.

I see many depressed people in my office and it seems as though life is just on hold for them. Like they know no other existence, cabin fever setting in. I don't want to be like that, but will that make me grow old lonely????

Two years ago, I craved the routine, now I'm fucked off with it.

Friday's Stalker Lady

I have this problem at work. Some of you may think it isn't a problem, and by and large, it isn't one of my biggest, or most painful but I think it has potential.

Some of you may even think I am being rather silly. But it bothers me...every now and then it pops up. When I say 'it'...I am actually referring to my colleague.

I guess this colleague needs a name and as Stalker Lady seems a bit harsh........I shall here forth refer to her as Persistent..... Persistent because what happened Friday appears to happen again and again........situations where I am quizzed and rail roaded into something I have no way of getting out of.....to fulfil something for Persistent that I am not quite sure of yet!

I have a love/hate relationship with Persistent. Like yesterday. AM = Love, PM = Hate.

AM

I made morning drinks for Persistent and I and she left me to my work in peace for much of the morning.

I became way more excited as the morning grew old and that funky Friday feeling was seeping in. I was excited by the fact that I for once, had Friday evening all to myself.

At diet coke break, I purred to Persistent about it, 'perhaps I will get a takeaway, a couple of beers, and snuggle down to a movie'. She could see how much I was looking forward to this, or so I thought.

I swooned over the details of what I had planned, whilst Persistent asked seemingly innocent questions about my wanderlust 'what takeaway? where do you order? do you get delivery? what time? straight from work? starters as well? oh my. How many beers? (she frowns when I say two = dismay/disapproval ! ).

I have fallen for this trick before, and every time I completely miss the cunning hunt. Knowledge is power, so it is said, and Persistent uses her new found knowledge to check mate me up.

Now, I enjoy nothing more then a weekend to myself with no plans. It doesn't happen often and I dream about it like it is a holiday destination. I had had a busy week at work, and a bad week of sleep deprivation (please see earlier blogs re: broken heart). The dream usually consists of a relished thought of watching a good movie whilst laid flat on my rug, propped by a few pillows and a couple of beers to wash down my movie snacks. So, this is what my excitement was fuelled by yesterday, and come 4pm I was biting at the bit to race out of that office.....

So, as usual, schools out, 4.30pm. I jump into the Bat Mobil with Persistent in the passenger seat talking in monotone. Then as I drop her off and bid good weekend, I was long roped right off of my saddle into the sunset. After some secret consultation with her partner (post order of 'wait here a second'), Persistent returned with a fabulous idea!!! 'Partner and I are having takeaway for dinner too (there's a suprise!), why don't you go grab your beers and we have takeaway together' ......... how how how do I respond to this? Like a stone thrown at me through the passenger window, I wanted to close the window up accidentally so as to pretend I can't hear and drive off. I thought I had made it clear I was having an evening on my own.
....


Now, in retrospect what I should have said was, 'hey, nice offer but I fancy a quiet evening alone' (just a thought, am I a saddo/geek???). But on the spot, all I could think of was 'are you sure? ok'. An excuse would have been helpful, but I didn't even have one to hand. She new I was doing nothing much, she had already quizzed me earlier. I couldn't think of anything worse...I like to eat my takeaway alone so I can munch, dribble, pick with my fingers, swig at my beer, maybe belch out a chorus if I so please. Given that Persistent and Partner do not drink pop, and, look down on anyone that does....I was not even going to enjoy my deserved beer come bottle popping time (I am sure some of you can appreciate the importance of Fridays First Cold Beer....the setting for which has to be just right). Worst still, there would be the walk home, facilitated by Persistent Partner, with awkward small talk, and probably a grudgingly given goodbye hug as I rush up my foot path..... am I mean????

As I drove off to collect my beer. I got angry. To you all this may seem a little OTT, given that it was just an invite for dinner, but Persistent has got me this way before. What may seem something in the region of paranoia, actually stems from previous entrapment's and suffocation.

I got so angry I new I couldn't actually go through with the dinner plans. I couldn't even bring myself to call with a lame excuse. I texted something meaningless.....

Suffocation may also seem to be rather dramatic.....but believe me...... I have known Persistent for approximately 3 months. In that time, I have met her mum, received no less then 11 'cute' gifts, and an indecent number of frowns following my quiz each Monday morning about my weekend frolics (seriously, I don't know why she asks so many questions when she doesn't like to hear the answers). I have been to dinner mmmmm two times, both times 'enjoying' hours, spent going through endless photographs of here, there and everything.

It is so tricky. Persistent doesn't take rejection very well, and there is an underlying case of serious depression. But how do I move away gently? when it seems that the further I step away the tighter the noose gets???

thus...PM....

Was thus filled with busts of anger. It simmered later following Fridays First Cold Beer, but it was tainted.

So, First Friday Night Beer, is, for one weekend only, being moved, for a Saturday night slot.

I Almost Fell Asleep At My Desk Today

I almost fell asleep at my desk today.

A mixture of reasons:

#1 My telephone, for a change, did not ring off the hook as much as usual....(possibly because I 'accidently' knocked it off the hook whilst reaching for coffee numero uno...sshhhh)

#2 Despite taking myself to bed early (in an effort to avoid human contact via skype/facebook/hotmail/mobile switched off and hidden it somewhere in the bottom of my work swag...), I stayed awake thinking, same old stories, same old memories of the love I have lost........repetitive......

#3 Not coping with reason #2, I popped a sleeping skittle to hurry this activity. It worked, eventually.....so when my alarm went off at stupid o'cock, I dragged my weary drug smeared ass out of my warm cosy bed......sleep deprivation hanging over my brow, until at least 10am and reason........

.....#4......It was 10am before I could slip out to the kitchen to make coffee for one, whilst no swine was looking. Coffee is serious business in our office, though, I am not the least effective member of this tedious society. One cohabitant lives on, greedily in the corner, fleecing all for anything she can get.......this includes the coffee.....for ease of reference, I christen her I'll Have One.

     Me: 'I'm just grabbing a water, would you like anything from the kitchen?'

    
     I'll Have One: 'oh, I'd love a coffee, do you mind? I would get it myself but I'm                          
     snowed under, I'm so cheeky, next round is mine' (this promise only ever escapes her lips after the safety
     of 16:30 when rest assured, no more coffees, it's almost time to go home...)

#5.....I was a little bored.

I found myself gazing around the office, mentally assessing the urban cookie collective before me. I secretly watch I'll Have One, in utter bewilderment. I just can't resist the urge. I'll Have One sits directly in my vision, a little to the right, and if I my swivel chair is just a bit higher then usual, I have a clear shot. Sometimes, it feels like it is an advantage....other times.......it seems only to facilitate a good ol' vomit fest.......

Now, I'll Have One, as the name sake may suggest, does not just feast on the coffee granules throughout the day, I'll Have One, certainly doesn't stop the trough at a cuppa......Many occasion I peer over my computer screen, and watch her devour a stack of snacks. Turn away? I've tried. I yo-yo between obsession and revoltion............I have never seen lips and gullet in motion at such speed.......her mouth like a tumble dryer. I swear one day I am going to witness her bite her own fingers off, because not once does she look down at what she is about to put in her mouth, it is gone so fast, akin to a pencil being sent to death with an electric sharpener.......one day......

RA RA bloody Ra. So I am now very tired. Ignoring the vow I make every bloody morning (tonight is different, I will be in bed by 7pm), I am sat up in bed, writing this blog stuff. No doubt, that before I prep for bed I will find a zillion billion other things I needed to do online as I build up the motivation to get my lazy trunk into bed. Its 10pm, and I'm still queuing for another ticket...for nightly re-runs of my broken broken heart...... (wImP).

Jump In

steady.....ready.....goooooo

OK, here is my new blog. I have been inspired to write a journal of my mundane office activity, mainly because some days, I get home, and just can't believe what the fuck I have to put up with..... :)

I want a journal of my activity over the next year or so.......so i don't have to attempt a half hearted new years resolution to drink less (so as to increase odds of actually remembering what the hell I have been up to) and thus facilitate the embarrassing furore come next Christmas when I chat with my cronies around the twiglet table and can't recount one thing I have done that year which isn't littered with:

Me: 'can't quite remember where I saw the 3 legged horse...but'
Disapproving Fringe Family Member: 'were you out drinking..'
Me: 'oh noooo, I only really drink at socials, it just seems so long ago...'

Both: 'Bollocks' (I put 'Bollocks' in speech marks to denote the fact that despite this never being said out aloud.......)

....I won't need to make such a spoil sport resolution.... if I can check in every so many days to look back at what I have written....almost like the log books sailors and hikers use for tracking their movements....so I can go back to my memoirs in an emergency situation to work out where things went wrong...... or take a few steps back and start over..... like pressing the back chapter button on your DVD remote control.....to go back over the bits I missed when I was busy topping up my glass........

I love life, even my job, and I find humour in drama most of the time. So I wanted to blog about my antics......just to keep tabs on myself....and 'check in' ..now and again.........

Listened to an old song last night......Fuck Forever by the Babyshambles............