I Hate Mush

I hate mush and I am not fan of writing about my mush (now is probably the time to clarify that by mush I actually mean love, gooeyness, cheese laden ode's!!!!!)....BUT....... given that the aforementioned appears to have taken over my world today, it is a little hard to ignore....and if I have to put up with this weapon of mass destruction, then so does everybody else!!!!!

Given that it is almost Valentines Day....my heart is busting. I don't usually go in for February 14th, but this year I am totally in love/broken hearted and this is simply stoking my blaze which I have been totally trying to beat down since new year.....(out with the old.......)........

.....so this is really not helpful....but its here, its happening like a relapse.........it is almost unbearable.....and I just have to ride this one out.

Today....the love was there, so much so it made my day fucking miserable....because absolutely nothing else compared to my life when my dream lover was here. It didn't help that my day at work was grey and overcast, boredom kicking in by 11am......coffee and red bull not making any difference to my experience.....
everyone pissed me off and not once did I feel bad about the daydreams I was having where I was telling them all to fuck off and leave me alone..........

When all you need is space, why does it seem like the time when everyone else wants a piece of you?????.....Persistent was extraordinary today.....wanting to entertain me with her ever so delightful high pitched voice, whilst she quizzed me about my weekend like a discerning mother would. Seriously, my mother wouldn't dream of asking me half the things Persistent throws at me.

This evening, I'm listening to sad 'good bye' songs (Katie Melua (??????) ...Piece by Piece....just one example....I'm even more embarrassed to share the rest...) and thinking why the fuck I have wasted my time loving someone who can never love me back.........tttshhh.........

Now its almost bedtime and I am back in love again..........and I just want to enjoy the moment as I drift off to sleep..............Mush!

Thursday

Thursday......I have never been able to get my head around Thursday. I'm torn with the excitement of actually being able to see the end of the week and the pain of knowing that there is still one more sleep.......

Thursday was made extra painful by the company I kept. When I say kept....fact is, I didn't want to keep this company at all, it was forced upon me. Do you ever experience those people who just keep talking? whether you are listening or not?? I have a new colleague, who does just this. He means no harm, but fact is, he doesn't really give a damned whether you are paying any attention. He is so excited about telling his story he forgets to swallow...creating a gradual build up of bubbles at the corners of his mouth........which is hard not to look at when you are not listening to what is coming out of said mouth, but use your body language to make out you are.........

The Clearing

Today, something over took my day.

Sound.

I was unsure if today, I was particularly more sensitive to sound, or if today, noises were particularly loud.

First, it was Persistent. Tapping ever so fucking loudly on her special Persistent keyboard. It was like she was persistently beating the living hell out of it. Punch Punch Punch.....I wanted to get up and go pour my coffee in her lap.....I felt like being more violent, but my evil thoughts put me to shame, so for now I will just confess to wanting to pour coffee on her cacks.....tomorrow..maybe different....

Next up was Persistent, once again.....persistently pissing me off. This time it was her voice........a shrill down the speaker phone at her first caller of the day. Ever so loud and ever so hyper manic. This time I had a digestive in my hand, and I wanted to spin this sugar goodness like a Frisbee to wham width ways into her mouth..... I controlled the urge by finding a focus. It was the corner of my computer screen, the little red cross at the top right of the web page. I stared and stared until silence broke my gaze. It was like meditation.........it worked......for a while.....

Finally, I'll Have One was triumphant once again in pushing new limits of the Grand Prick (me off) race. It was only mid morning when noise from the beast began to rumble. I felt so lucky that I was caged with this for the rest of the day!

It was a noise I usually associate with snotty children, joyously playing outside, sniffing and spluttering whilst they are whizzing around. Only, I'll Have One hasn't been whizzing around at all. She's been snuffling super noodles for breakfast and obsessively prowling by the biscuit tin....I swear she has worn a path in the carpet surrounding the biscuit barrel.........up and down up and down...sneaky glance left to right..check she is in the clear......then makes for the grab......usually a fistful.......

......anyway....back to the noise...like a whizzing child, a sniffing, snorting noise, scraped from the back of the throat as I'll Have One inhales like a bloke. Initial airplay strikes me like an air raid siren.....Scraping finger nails down a black board would sing like a choir compared to this....

....I shudder, focus on the red cross for a minute, and then get back to the task in hand......

20 mins later........sniffle snort is back, intermittently it proceeds until 5pm......intermittently I pace the perimeter of the office avoiding the control room and risk of sending the crew into orbit.... The sound was chilling, and seemed such a figure in my life today that I will name this sound The Clearing (sounds a bit like a horror movie...... I'm bloody sure that noise will feature in my sweet dreams tonight....).

My whole experience today made me question......am I totally mad???? am I tragically over sensitive??? My mind removed itself from daily living and searched for some clues as to why my brain was thinking this way...I am pretty sure I do not feel this everyday, is there a pattern??? does something trigger the sensitivity? is there some medical or psychological explanation. I even googled it up..........

One result =

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf18867-0-45.html&sid=d57a8d6aaa8d86499f91de4425e0da5c


... which only helped to stimulate early potential for paranoia/hypochondria........

So, I am keeping a log to help answer the following:

'Am I barking mad? or are my colleagues just fucking annoying?'

That Friday Feeling

Oh my days.

Today, everyone in the orifice forgot their Friday feeling.

I arrived singing, pleased for the finale........... to be greeted with hells playground.

Colleagues moaning, colleagues making endless coffee's, chatting in the kitchen, then moaning some more about how they might lose their jobs....'how about you actually spend time doing your job and then you may stand a chance of keeping it?????????'

Talking of spending more time doing your job......I'll Have One (please see first blog for context), has been on a diet for as long as I can remember. I'll Have One spends most of her day eating (as opposed to doing what she is paid for) and then wonders why she hasn't lost any weight.

This morning when I arrived and I'll Have One was eating. Not a crime in itself but definitely very offensive in this instance.

First it was the fist full of biscuits, just to dip in the first coffee. Then it was the Super Noodles.....ate with a bib.....like she was in a restaurant eating din dins.....then it was a packet of Wotsits......as fast as lightening. I think she caught me looking, because she mumbled something along the lines of 'ooooh I must stop eating' as she grabbed for a clementine, and another two biccy's.....

The afternoon took the sails outta my crunchie Friday feeling. Seriously. I felt worn down, everyone is so depressed....not even a custard cream could lift the mood.

I came out feeling so drained. I wanted to slit my wrists.

Tonight I am having a beer to compensate, and I am sat watching some really dumb TV show where a guy meets a girl. It's a load of toss! Where are the good old comedy shows on a Friday night? I hate game shows, its all so cheesy fake....

Coincidentally, I am texting two people who are trying to date me. I am trying to ignore them but they are persistent (in a very different way to Persistent!!!). I need to learn to tell people to back off......

Coincidence #2....today at work I was told I am too nice........This made me angry and I am half tempted to take this out on these guys that are persistently pissing me off.

So, I made a decision to be less nice today just to see how it pans out......I will update with the consequences.....

Happy Friday. x

Back To School

Monday Monday Monday

Give me strength.......Today was an utter bore.

Following a weekend of utter self indulging, work was the last thing my body was expecting this morning.

5am Sunday morning, I crawled into bed......... after my mind battled with thoughts to just stay up...in utter defiance of accepting Sunday (moody Monday prequel).

I had a fabulous Sunday nevertheless. I woke up relatively early, chatted to the Angel That Broke My Heart, and popped out for a spot of family fun.

Sunday night movie fest managed to distract from the moody Monday feeling that was creeping in, only to be discharged 7am like a tide of sewage...

Stupidly, I watched a sappy movie and ended the evening text sobbing to my best mate about how I have managed to get myself hooked onto such an impossible love.......... fool........

Monday morning started with a nightmare. Literally. I woke up in a pool of sweat and fear, convinced that there was a ghost of an old lady standing in my bedroom. Happy Monday!!!

Monday morning raged on with equal audacity, my weekly grilling from Persistent (Guest star in my previous blog entry!) about my whereabouts Friday just gone and my distgusting antics over the past few days....

This was all superceeded by a united email from the gods about company changes...redundancys and restructures......

The office by this point was up in arms and it was a fantastic opportunity to have a good ol' gas bag session without anyone really giving a toss. I drank coffee and ate biscuits and extracted way to many thoughts from the lose lipped........how so and so is most likely to get the boot and why. It was amazing how quick the knives came out........

....whatever, it kept people occupied....and so, I mingled in and around the office, avoiding Persistent like she had measles.

During this time, I had plenty of opportunity to think about my life and what I wanted to do with it, and it was obvious that I needed some massive changes myself, a new life, a new job. I dream of ideas that would work, that would make me a success, but they never come to anything. I lose motivation after I have written them down.......

Most of my current ideas/dreams/plans in some way link to the love of my life, so I seriously have to sit down and have a good look at what I am proposing......but all the same, it makes me excited.

I looked around the office, surrounded by the solemn and I think, how on earth are you happy with what you have? don't you want more?

I hear the same stories of getting married, getting a mortgage and mundane routine, meandered through in robot fashion. Am I a little harsh? I just want to have fun and life experience. I want stories to tell and dreams to evolve.

I see many depressed people in my office and it seems as though life is just on hold for them. Like they know no other existence, cabin fever setting in. I don't want to be like that, but will that make me grow old lonely????

Two years ago, I craved the routine, now I'm fucked off with it.

Friday's Stalker Lady

I have this problem at work. Some of you may think it isn't a problem, and by and large, it isn't one of my biggest, or most painful but I think it has potential.

Some of you may even think I am being rather silly. But it bothers me...every now and then it pops up. When I say 'it'...I am actually referring to my colleague.

I guess this colleague needs a name and as Stalker Lady seems a bit harsh........I shall here forth refer to her as Persistent..... Persistent because what happened Friday appears to happen again and again........situations where I am quizzed and rail roaded into something I have no way of getting out of.....to fulfil something for Persistent that I am not quite sure of yet!

I have a love/hate relationship with Persistent. Like yesterday. AM = Love, PM = Hate.

AM

I made morning drinks for Persistent and I and she left me to my work in peace for much of the morning.

I became way more excited as the morning grew old and that funky Friday feeling was seeping in. I was excited by the fact that I for once, had Friday evening all to myself.

At diet coke break, I purred to Persistent about it, 'perhaps I will get a takeaway, a couple of beers, and snuggle down to a movie'. She could see how much I was looking forward to this, or so I thought.

I swooned over the details of what I had planned, whilst Persistent asked seemingly innocent questions about my wanderlust 'what takeaway? where do you order? do you get delivery? what time? straight from work? starters as well? oh my. How many beers? (she frowns when I say two = dismay/disapproval ! ).

I have fallen for this trick before, and every time I completely miss the cunning hunt. Knowledge is power, so it is said, and Persistent uses her new found knowledge to check mate me up.

Now, I enjoy nothing more then a weekend to myself with no plans. It doesn't happen often and I dream about it like it is a holiday destination. I had had a busy week at work, and a bad week of sleep deprivation (please see earlier blogs re: broken heart). The dream usually consists of a relished thought of watching a good movie whilst laid flat on my rug, propped by a few pillows and a couple of beers to wash down my movie snacks. So, this is what my excitement was fuelled by yesterday, and come 4pm I was biting at the bit to race out of that office.....

So, as usual, schools out, 4.30pm. I jump into the Bat Mobil with Persistent in the passenger seat talking in monotone. Then as I drop her off and bid good weekend, I was long roped right off of my saddle into the sunset. After some secret consultation with her partner (post order of 'wait here a second'), Persistent returned with a fabulous idea!!! 'Partner and I are having takeaway for dinner too (there's a suprise!), why don't you go grab your beers and we have takeaway together' ......... how how how do I respond to this? Like a stone thrown at me through the passenger window, I wanted to close the window up accidentally so as to pretend I can't hear and drive off. I thought I had made it clear I was having an evening on my own.
....


Now, in retrospect what I should have said was, 'hey, nice offer but I fancy a quiet evening alone' (just a thought, am I a saddo/geek???). But on the spot, all I could think of was 'are you sure? ok'. An excuse would have been helpful, but I didn't even have one to hand. She new I was doing nothing much, she had already quizzed me earlier. I couldn't think of anything worse...I like to eat my takeaway alone so I can munch, dribble, pick with my fingers, swig at my beer, maybe belch out a chorus if I so please. Given that Persistent and Partner do not drink pop, and, look down on anyone that does....I was not even going to enjoy my deserved beer come bottle popping time (I am sure some of you can appreciate the importance of Fridays First Cold Beer....the setting for which has to be just right). Worst still, there would be the walk home, facilitated by Persistent Partner, with awkward small talk, and probably a grudgingly given goodbye hug as I rush up my foot path..... am I mean????

As I drove off to collect my beer. I got angry. To you all this may seem a little OTT, given that it was just an invite for dinner, but Persistent has got me this way before. What may seem something in the region of paranoia, actually stems from previous entrapment's and suffocation.

I got so angry I new I couldn't actually go through with the dinner plans. I couldn't even bring myself to call with a lame excuse. I texted something meaningless.....

Suffocation may also seem to be rather dramatic.....but believe me...... I have known Persistent for approximately 3 months. In that time, I have met her mum, received no less then 11 'cute' gifts, and an indecent number of frowns following my quiz each Monday morning about my weekend frolics (seriously, I don't know why she asks so many questions when she doesn't like to hear the answers). I have been to dinner mmmmm two times, both times 'enjoying' hours, spent going through endless photographs of here, there and everything.

It is so tricky. Persistent doesn't take rejection very well, and there is an underlying case of serious depression. But how do I move away gently? when it seems that the further I step away the tighter the noose gets???

thus...PM....

Was thus filled with busts of anger. It simmered later following Fridays First Cold Beer, but it was tainted.

So, First Friday Night Beer, is, for one weekend only, being moved, for a Saturday night slot.

I Almost Fell Asleep At My Desk Today

I almost fell asleep at my desk today.

A mixture of reasons:

#1 My telephone, for a change, did not ring off the hook as much as usual....(possibly because I 'accidently' knocked it off the hook whilst reaching for coffee numero uno...sshhhh)

#2 Despite taking myself to bed early (in an effort to avoid human contact via skype/facebook/hotmail/mobile switched off and hidden it somewhere in the bottom of my work swag...), I stayed awake thinking, same old stories, same old memories of the love I have lost........repetitive......

#3 Not coping with reason #2, I popped a sleeping skittle to hurry this activity. It worked, eventually.....so when my alarm went off at stupid o'cock, I dragged my weary drug smeared ass out of my warm cosy bed......sleep deprivation hanging over my brow, until at least 10am and reason........

.....#4......It was 10am before I could slip out to the kitchen to make coffee for one, whilst no swine was looking. Coffee is serious business in our office, though, I am not the least effective member of this tedious society. One cohabitant lives on, greedily in the corner, fleecing all for anything she can get.......this includes the coffee.....for ease of reference, I christen her I'll Have One.

     Me: 'I'm just grabbing a water, would you like anything from the kitchen?'

    
     I'll Have One: 'oh, I'd love a coffee, do you mind? I would get it myself but I'm                          
     snowed under, I'm so cheeky, next round is mine' (this promise only ever escapes her lips after the safety
     of 16:30 when rest assured, no more coffees, it's almost time to go home...)

#5.....I was a little bored.

I found myself gazing around the office, mentally assessing the urban cookie collective before me. I secretly watch I'll Have One, in utter bewilderment. I just can't resist the urge. I'll Have One sits directly in my vision, a little to the right, and if I my swivel chair is just a bit higher then usual, I have a clear shot. Sometimes, it feels like it is an advantage....other times.......it seems only to facilitate a good ol' vomit fest.......

Now, I'll Have One, as the name sake may suggest, does not just feast on the coffee granules throughout the day, I'll Have One, certainly doesn't stop the trough at a cuppa......Many occasion I peer over my computer screen, and watch her devour a stack of snacks. Turn away? I've tried. I yo-yo between obsession and revoltion............I have never seen lips and gullet in motion at such speed.......her mouth like a tumble dryer. I swear one day I am going to witness her bite her own fingers off, because not once does she look down at what she is about to put in her mouth, it is gone so fast, akin to a pencil being sent to death with an electric sharpener.......one day......

RA RA bloody Ra. So I am now very tired. Ignoring the vow I make every bloody morning (tonight is different, I will be in bed by 7pm), I am sat up in bed, writing this blog stuff. No doubt, that before I prep for bed I will find a zillion billion other things I needed to do online as I build up the motivation to get my lazy trunk into bed. Its 10pm, and I'm still queuing for another ticket...for nightly re-runs of my broken broken heart...... (wImP).