PuRE rANt

I haven't blogged in yonks....mainly because I have been busy at work.....and where has that got me?????? nowhere very quickly....so this is my rant. For stupid legal reason I can't give much away about my job title, and need concrete anonymity, but you maybe able to take a point from my ramble.......or maybe not!!!!!

I work in a front line service for the Government......which seems to mean, that despite the amount of effort I put into doing my bit for humanity, I am always in line for a good ol' ambush every so often!!!

Now I am all up for confrontation......my life experience made me this way! However, what angers me most is that the confrontation is never even. I am never allowed to answer back, and those that tend to lead the ambush are only too aware of this.

Firstly, there is the demand from the leader not to make assumptions.....who then seeks to criticise my practice using just that. The assumption that I have no idea what they are experiencing. On a personal level, that have no fucking knowledge of my life and what I have experienced and nor do they have a right to know. What they didn't know is that I new very well what they are going through, but I used my experience to change my life in a different way.

Secondly, I didn't appreciate the assumption, widely promoted by press about my profession, which is hideously over publicised when a mistake is made. Yet, when I look at the team around me, there is not one person that you can accuse of being in the job for any other reason aside from a being committed to helping others, protecting the vulnerable and putting other lives excruciatingly first before their own. Mistakes are made in any profession, but there is not one tabloid story I can think of which rewards the good work that is achieved. And it isn't expected. Yet we carry on.

A profession where 'burn out' is acknowledged as something which we all have to go through. No matter what the people on the receiving end of our service feel, I can't stress enough that WE DON'T STOP. When I wake up, I think of what I need to do, when I drive to work I think of how I am going to achieve it, when i get to work, I battle my way to the target, and on the way home, I bash myself up about how I didn't get time to do that extra thing. It never stops, it is never enough, however much we put in, people want more.....when I eat dinner, I talk the worries through with my partner and when I am in bed, I think of how I can improve on the next time.

I am not alone in this. This is what is expected from both the Government and from the public. Perhaps if we went on strike like some professionals, we would actually be noticed.

How can it be OK, for me to enter a public area, to be verbally and physically attacked? this is acceptable? This is so acceptable that we are expected by both the public and the authorities to swallow our fears and return the following week to finish what we started before we were rudely interrupted by a kick in the teeth.

I have worked hard both personally and professionally for many years, I have gone through gruelling tiers of training like you wouldn't believe and I will always accept an unfair fight. To me, in the face of that above.....the fight is actually weighted in my direction because of their ignorance.

Game on.....

Quantum Hop Skip Jump

A sequence of events this week made me stop and bark the usual at myself...... if only I hadn't done that......

case 1: time sheet filled incorrectly, paid, incorrectly. If only I hadn't rushed to put that through.......I wouldn't be looking so incompetent and chasing in wanderlust.
case 2: texted the 'love of my life' on a whim, when I only 7 hours before I had vowed to do anything in my power to move on..... now once again, looking incompetent (at deleting my obsession) and most certainly more chasing in wonderlust.
case 3: agreed with the 'love of my life' to go on a trip of a life time (what the fuck hell?), further evidence of incompetence at living my own life and making my own decisions, and further proof that I plan on continuing my impossible chase in wanderlust.........

The problem is she is wonderlush...... but that is besides the point.....

I have spent many hours trying to fight these thoughts, trying to force my mind to think about what I want to do, make plans that are mine and not someone elses dreams for a change..... I'd manage......

dream #1: live in Barcelona
dream #2: take beautiful photo's of the world
dream #3.... mind drifted and didn't quite get there.....

It got me thinking....where would I be now if I had made different decisions somewhere along my way.....

What if I had taken that job in Germany last year? I would have lost touch with the love of my life for sure....I would possibly be speaking another language and dating Europe......
What if I had signed up for that course last year? Would I have had my own business by now?

Then I turned to the second coming for answers.....Google, The Messiah.......

I hopped skipped and jumped Google stepping stones, and teetered on Quantum Jumping........

'Every decision you make in life causes a split in reality' (http://www.quantumjumping.com/) - Wow....Crazy to think there is another couple of Me's out there living in parallel. I wonder if they have the same hair style? mmm.... do they eat pie for breakfast? mmmmm how exciting..... so last night ....i went to bed dreaming.......of all the lives I lead......

Quantum Jumping.........slated on lots of forums, but put me on a different planet for a few hours....made me happy............Is this stuff all fluff????? I googled on for hours...........

So today, I could have gone to the gym and the shops......instead I went to the book shop and picked up fish and chips for dinner on the way home....... could offer v.different paths..... if I had stuck with the gym option, I could, improve my chances with the love of my life, the abs effect....... instead.....the chips won......and also, possibly my path to freedom...... the first thing in a while that I haven't done with the chosen one in mind......... result :)

Happy Saturday



Successful Consciousness

Today I lack motivation.

So I googled my problem.

And came up with this....

http://www.successconsciousness.com/lack-motivation-enthusiasm.htm

Problem solved........

ha, right...........I'm still lazing in bed with my second cuppa.....

Happy Saturday......

Where am I?

It is Sunday morning and I feel like I have arrived on a different planet.

This is mainly because it is not yet afternoon, nor am I in pain from a typical Saturday night work out !!!!

So this morning I am going to treat myself as a reward for my best behaviour...to a chicken and mushroom pie for breakfast.......(least my eating habits remain the same for a Sunday morning!!!).

I Hate Mush

I hate mush and I am not fan of writing about my mush (now is probably the time to clarify that by mush I actually mean love, gooeyness, cheese laden ode's!!!!!)....BUT....... given that the aforementioned appears to have taken over my world today, it is a little hard to ignore....and if I have to put up with this weapon of mass destruction, then so does everybody else!!!!!

Given that it is almost Valentines Day....my heart is busting. I don't usually go in for February 14th, but this year I am totally in love/broken hearted and this is simply stoking my blaze which I have been totally trying to beat down since new year.....(out with the old.......)........

.....so this is really not helpful....but its here, its happening like a relapse.........it is almost unbearable.....and I just have to ride this one out.

Today....the love was there, so much so it made my day fucking miserable....because absolutely nothing else compared to my life when my dream lover was here. It didn't help that my day at work was grey and overcast, boredom kicking in by 11am......coffee and red bull not making any difference to my experience.....
everyone pissed me off and not once did I feel bad about the daydreams I was having where I was telling them all to fuck off and leave me alone..........

When all you need is space, why does it seem like the time when everyone else wants a piece of you?????.....Persistent was extraordinary today.....wanting to entertain me with her ever so delightful high pitched voice, whilst she quizzed me about my weekend like a discerning mother would. Seriously, my mother wouldn't dream of asking me half the things Persistent throws at me.

This evening, I'm listening to sad 'good bye' songs (Katie Melua (??????) ...Piece by Piece....just one example....I'm even more embarrassed to share the rest...) and thinking why the fuck I have wasted my time loving someone who can never love me back.........tttshhh.........

Now its almost bedtime and I am back in love again..........and I just want to enjoy the moment as I drift off to sleep..............Mush!

Thursday

Thursday......I have never been able to get my head around Thursday. I'm torn with the excitement of actually being able to see the end of the week and the pain of knowing that there is still one more sleep.......

Thursday was made extra painful by the company I kept. When I say kept....fact is, I didn't want to keep this company at all, it was forced upon me. Do you ever experience those people who just keep talking? whether you are listening or not?? I have a new colleague, who does just this. He means no harm, but fact is, he doesn't really give a damned whether you are paying any attention. He is so excited about telling his story he forgets to swallow...creating a gradual build up of bubbles at the corners of his mouth........which is hard not to look at when you are not listening to what is coming out of said mouth, but use your body language to make out you are.........

The Clearing

Today, something over took my day.

Sound.

I was unsure if today, I was particularly more sensitive to sound, or if today, noises were particularly loud.

First, it was Persistent. Tapping ever so fucking loudly on her special Persistent keyboard. It was like she was persistently beating the living hell out of it. Punch Punch Punch.....I wanted to get up and go pour my coffee in her lap.....I felt like being more violent, but my evil thoughts put me to shame, so for now I will just confess to wanting to pour coffee on her cacks.....tomorrow..maybe different....

Next up was Persistent, once again.....persistently pissing me off. This time it was her voice........a shrill down the speaker phone at her first caller of the day. Ever so loud and ever so hyper manic. This time I had a digestive in my hand, and I wanted to spin this sugar goodness like a Frisbee to wham width ways into her mouth..... I controlled the urge by finding a focus. It was the corner of my computer screen, the little red cross at the top right of the web page. I stared and stared until silence broke my gaze. It was like meditation.........it worked......for a while.....

Finally, I'll Have One was triumphant once again in pushing new limits of the Grand Prick (me off) race. It was only mid morning when noise from the beast began to rumble. I felt so lucky that I was caged with this for the rest of the day!

It was a noise I usually associate with snotty children, joyously playing outside, sniffing and spluttering whilst they are whizzing around. Only, I'll Have One hasn't been whizzing around at all. She's been snuffling super noodles for breakfast and obsessively prowling by the biscuit tin....I swear she has worn a path in the carpet surrounding the biscuit barrel.........up and down up and down...sneaky glance left to right..check she is in the clear......then makes for the grab......usually a fistful.......

......anyway....back to the noise...like a whizzing child, a sniffing, snorting noise, scraped from the back of the throat as I'll Have One inhales like a bloke. Initial airplay strikes me like an air raid siren.....Scraping finger nails down a black board would sing like a choir compared to this....

....I shudder, focus on the red cross for a minute, and then get back to the task in hand......

20 mins later........sniffle snort is back, intermittently it proceeds until 5pm......intermittently I pace the perimeter of the office avoiding the control room and risk of sending the crew into orbit.... The sound was chilling, and seemed such a figure in my life today that I will name this sound The Clearing (sounds a bit like a horror movie...... I'm bloody sure that noise will feature in my sweet dreams tonight....).

My whole experience today made me question......am I totally mad???? am I tragically over sensitive??? My mind removed itself from daily living and searched for some clues as to why my brain was thinking this way...I am pretty sure I do not feel this everyday, is there a pattern??? does something trigger the sensitivity? is there some medical or psychological explanation. I even googled it up..........

One result =

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf18867-0-45.html&sid=d57a8d6aaa8d86499f91de4425e0da5c


... which only helped to stimulate early potential for paranoia/hypochondria........

So, I am keeping a log to help answer the following:

'Am I barking mad? or are my colleagues just fucking annoying?'