Saying Goodbyes

I have always found saying goodbyes very awkward. I am sure many people do.
Goodbyes put me on edge. I hate them.

When I was younger, I stood firm against my belief that you should never say goodbye, and most certainly promise to 'see you later'.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends'

Richard Bach.



I never did teary goodbyes, I whole heartedly believed that it wasn't necessary. Bach's words made sense.
I was so positive, sure and confident about this.

Today there were some serious goodbyes in quick succession. And it made me think, that goodbyes are much more difficult now. I have been lucky to make many friends over the years, and fortunately all worth their weight in gold. But I have also been unlucky in that some of these friends have slipped away from me.

I wonder, as I have got older, I am more realistic about relationships, and what to expect. In some ways, this is better, because I am no longer living in some sort of perfect world, but in another way it makes me sad. To realise that some people come and go, never to cross your path again. That hurts.

Goodbyes mean more to me now and I find it more difficult to let go.

Today was a sad day, because I let go of a few good ones..... but I will always have the memories.

Professional Avoider of Confrontation

Today, I tackled my issues, quite successfully...by running around the office with them echoing behind me....

First triumph.....escaping the noise escaping I'll Have One, who used the express lane to self serve the party snacks on the share table in record breaking speeds. I have raged about this before but it comes up most days......she will enter the office with food on the brain....she even sings her own mantra...

'food food,

time for food,

food food,

i need some food'.

(Repeat x 4/5)

This continues until she has managed to march to the kitchen to get her lunch box (hamper size).

Today she munched on the crisps like a bunny rabbit chowing a carrot. Sometimes, I almost want to vomit at her desperate hunt for food. Her lips and mouth move so fast, I am fixated. More recently this fixation is spawn out of disgust....it used to be in amazement at her oblivion.

It is like she is in her own race to finish the biscuit barrel, or office left overs. Chomp chomp chomp, faster faster....I am possibly more weird for finding this so trippy.....possibly a little over sensitive....but I am faced with it for 8 hours of the day..... Today, I could take it no more. I left the room in haste and sat silently in the kitchen, my safe haven. I didn't fix the problem long term, but in the short it made me feel a lot better.

Second Triumph..........for once, I had been relieved of my duties as Team Taxi. Most days after work I am taxi for three. 1/3 does not live on my route home, so, invariably, whilst all my colleagues are chilled out at home, I am still stuck in traffic trying to get home to make the most of what is left of the evening. I don't even know how the lifts got started...now they don't even ask if it is ok and simply wait at my car....today, 2/3 had the day off and I wished for once I could drive the scenic beach route home (quicker for me). So I thought, why not?.....I will just leave, and make sure that I do this, why shouldn't I? I will just tell 3rd passenger that I cannot drop her home tonight, simple......... so simple, that when I walked into my office and saw said passenger stood at my desk........i spun on my heels and ran back to my safe haven. I stayed there long enough for her to become bored and resign to come back later....I took this opportunity to sneak out the door whilst she was unaware.....avoidance, short term solution, long term ignorance.

Tomorrow, I hope to grow some balls.

Brown Nosing

 Is it wrong to hug your boss?

Today, someone tugged at my heart strings and I wanted to give them a massive hug, head to breast stylie.
I have been known to do this on occasion which is bizarre, as I am the least tactile person in the world....however, when the chord rocks deep, its like my emotions go into protective overdrive and a grip like hug is busting to get out.

I recall on New Years. A friend of mine ( AKA Love of My Life), was totally over whelmed by the fact that she was in love with someone so much that it made her want to cry. This jolted my emotions into overload..... 1/ because I am totally in love with her and I had to hide the pain of the punch & 2/ My friend confiding in me like I had never experienced before, breaking new boundaries. Despite my drunken haze, my mind in rapid response realised that I had to snap out of this crush I had and treasure the friendship which we had found. And in that moment, I made for the head to breast hug.........

The head to breast hug was very right at the time, and so I am told....very comforting. I rarely hug, but when I feel the urge, it is quite a pull and I totally mean it from the bottom of my heart.

So today, I had The Urge.

My job, can be crazy at times, and on occasion you can catch sight of someone who has just about had all they can take. Usual symptoms present as glazed, colourless eyes, heavy slow footing, and a hunched, shrunken posture, possible set when the wind changed.

Today, this person was my boss. She fumbled by me in the corridor and I could sense her angst so acutely that I wanted to hug the troubles away.

I wanted to perform the head to breast hug manoeuvre.

My instinct was to place my hand on her shoulder...had I been less reserved (whether appropriate or not) I would have gone for it. Instead I left it with the hand on the shoulder and a mumble of some delicate words. A small flicker of comfort flash flooded the face before normal service resumed.

It broke my heart that someone could feel that troubled, and I just wanted to hug it all away for a minute. I felt bad that I wasn't able to find some way of communicating an equal amount of warmth without using such physical contact. I racked my brain for anything else which I could do to help = Zero.

Is it appropriate to hug my boss so full on? perhaps with a slight adjustment on the head to breast...maybe head to crook of the neck/shoulder.......???????

PuRE rANt

I haven't blogged in yonks....mainly because I have been busy at work.....and where has that got me?????? nowhere very quickly....so this is my rant. For stupid legal reason I can't give much away about my job title, and need concrete anonymity, but you maybe able to take a point from my ramble.......or maybe not!!!!!

I work in a front line service for the Government......which seems to mean, that despite the amount of effort I put into doing my bit for humanity, I am always in line for a good ol' ambush every so often!!!

Now I am all up for confrontation......my life experience made me this way! However, what angers me most is that the confrontation is never even. I am never allowed to answer back, and those that tend to lead the ambush are only too aware of this.

Firstly, there is the demand from the leader not to make assumptions.....who then seeks to criticise my practice using just that. The assumption that I have no idea what they are experiencing. On a personal level, that have no fucking knowledge of my life and what I have experienced and nor do they have a right to know. What they didn't know is that I new very well what they are going through, but I used my experience to change my life in a different way.

Secondly, I didn't appreciate the assumption, widely promoted by press about my profession, which is hideously over publicised when a mistake is made. Yet, when I look at the team around me, there is not one person that you can accuse of being in the job for any other reason aside from a being committed to helping others, protecting the vulnerable and putting other lives excruciatingly first before their own. Mistakes are made in any profession, but there is not one tabloid story I can think of which rewards the good work that is achieved. And it isn't expected. Yet we carry on.

A profession where 'burn out' is acknowledged as something which we all have to go through. No matter what the people on the receiving end of our service feel, I can't stress enough that WE DON'T STOP. When I wake up, I think of what I need to do, when I drive to work I think of how I am going to achieve it, when i get to work, I battle my way to the target, and on the way home, I bash myself up about how I didn't get time to do that extra thing. It never stops, it is never enough, however much we put in, people want more.....when I eat dinner, I talk the worries through with my partner and when I am in bed, I think of how I can improve on the next time.

I am not alone in this. This is what is expected from both the Government and from the public. Perhaps if we went on strike like some professionals, we would actually be noticed.

How can it be OK, for me to enter a public area, to be verbally and physically attacked? this is acceptable? This is so acceptable that we are expected by both the public and the authorities to swallow our fears and return the following week to finish what we started before we were rudely interrupted by a kick in the teeth.

I have worked hard both personally and professionally for many years, I have gone through gruelling tiers of training like you wouldn't believe and I will always accept an unfair fight. To me, in the face of that above.....the fight is actually weighted in my direction because of their ignorance.

Game on.....

Quantum Hop Skip Jump

A sequence of events this week made me stop and bark the usual at myself...... if only I hadn't done that......

case 1: time sheet filled incorrectly, paid, incorrectly. If only I hadn't rushed to put that through.......I wouldn't be looking so incompetent and chasing in wanderlust.
case 2: texted the 'love of my life' on a whim, when I only 7 hours before I had vowed to do anything in my power to move on..... now once again, looking incompetent (at deleting my obsession) and most certainly more chasing in wonderlust.
case 3: agreed with the 'love of my life' to go on a trip of a life time (what the fuck hell?), further evidence of incompetence at living my own life and making my own decisions, and further proof that I plan on continuing my impossible chase in wanderlust.........

The problem is she is wonderlush...... but that is besides the point.....

I have spent many hours trying to fight these thoughts, trying to force my mind to think about what I want to do, make plans that are mine and not someone elses dreams for a change..... I'd manage......

dream #1: live in Barcelona
dream #2: take beautiful photo's of the world
dream #3.... mind drifted and didn't quite get there.....

It got me thinking....where would I be now if I had made different decisions somewhere along my way.....

What if I had taken that job in Germany last year? I would have lost touch with the love of my life for sure....I would possibly be speaking another language and dating Europe......
What if I had signed up for that course last year? Would I have had my own business by now?

Then I turned to the second coming for answers.....Google, The Messiah.......

I hopped skipped and jumped Google stepping stones, and teetered on Quantum Jumping........

'Every decision you make in life causes a split in reality' (http://www.quantumjumping.com/) - Wow....Crazy to think there is another couple of Me's out there living in parallel. I wonder if they have the same hair style? mmm.... do they eat pie for breakfast? mmmmm how exciting..... so last night ....i went to bed dreaming.......of all the lives I lead......

Quantum Jumping.........slated on lots of forums, but put me on a different planet for a few hours....made me happy............Is this stuff all fluff????? I googled on for hours...........

So today, I could have gone to the gym and the shops......instead I went to the book shop and picked up fish and chips for dinner on the way home....... could offer v.different paths..... if I had stuck with the gym option, I could, improve my chances with the love of my life, the abs effect....... instead.....the chips won......and also, possibly my path to freedom...... the first thing in a while that I haven't done with the chosen one in mind......... result :)

Happy Saturday



Successful Consciousness

Today I lack motivation.

So I googled my problem.

And came up with this....

http://www.successconsciousness.com/lack-motivation-enthusiasm.htm

Problem solved........

ha, right...........I'm still lazing in bed with my second cuppa.....

Happy Saturday......

Where am I?

It is Sunday morning and I feel like I have arrived on a different planet.

This is mainly because it is not yet afternoon, nor am I in pain from a typical Saturday night work out !!!!

So this morning I am going to treat myself as a reward for my best behaviour...to a chicken and mushroom pie for breakfast.......(least my eating habits remain the same for a Sunday morning!!!).